This weekend's new earth cycle will bring our globe closer to earth than anytime since, well, almost an entire decade ago. Morbix Leaxiue, prominent astrologer and anti-vaccination activist, predicts this "Super Earth" event will trigger massive moonquakes, mare basalt flows, crater wall landslides and the general overall end of everything we hold dear. "We've got the earth pulling on one side of us, Saturn and Tyche pulling on the other side of us ... it's like being quartered on a planetary scale!"
He urges all lunar citizens to immediately evacuate to the far side of the moon because, as he states, "Well, its farther away from earth right? What we can't see won't hurt us."
Hysterical lunar citizens around the volatile "ring of not-much-happening here" Mare Serenitatis region have been seen in local bigbox stores stocking up on emergency supplies, hard hats, and rare water ice crystals thought to bring divine protection. One fear gripped shopper said, "My cousin sent me this email all about the SuperEarth. I didn't believe it at first but then I checked the internet and finally the cable news channels and was shocked to see the reports. I mean, if it's on cable news it must be true!" [emphasis ours].
While prominent credible scientists stress this "Super Earth" event will not trigger any natural disasters that won't stop us from reporting the voices of fringe groups and pseudo-scientists in the interest of fair and balanced reporting.
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